Mid-life crises are not only for the middle-aged. I went through my mid-life crisis in my late 20s. You would too if you’d spent 7 years married to the village idiot and 10 years in a typing pool with an unhealthy mix of whining, bitchy old bints who strived to be as old and boring as they could possibly be. So guess what I did? I completely changed every aspect of my life and became the person I am today i.e. happy and at ease with myself and my life. So here are my top tips for having a successful mid-life crisis.
Self-Help Books
Before embarking on your revolution you need to read a lot of books that tell you how to be positive, courageous and love yourself. You need to spend money on these books to line the pockets of those who have already achieved their equilibrium. In fact, I think I’ll write one. For as long as people have mid-life crises there will be a market for them. And one day you too will be able to write your own.
Academic Study
Your brain has died over the years and you need to get it working again. Whether it’s a home-study course or you actually commit yourself to 3 years or so at university, you can guarantee that every other ‘mature’ student you meet is going through their own mid-life crisis. They hate their job, their partner, their kids, their friends, their family, their home and are looking for some meaning in life and to…now, here’s the key phrase…’make a difference’.
Do Voluntary Work
This is essential for both boosting your CV to get out of whatever hell-hole you work in, and to fulfill that nauseating little phrase you will soon heard repeated over and over by other mid-lifers – to make a difference. Be sure to make it common knowledge about your selfless actions so everyone knows what a hero you are. Working with kids and cripples are bankers when it comes to gaining kudos amongst fellow mid-lifers and potential employers.
Read The Guardian
For no other reason than to impress people. But don’t just quietly read it, hold it upright so everyone can see what you’re reading. During conversations show your sudden distaste in The Sun and make excuses for why you used to read it. Post links from it on Facebook so everyone is aware that you read The Guardian.
Be pretentious
Going through this crisis will be pointless unless you make your family and friends aware of your progress including all the new stuff you’ve learned, especially the longer words that you suddenly start saying now you’re a student and have a thesaurus. Remember, the aim is for them to notice, and point out to you, that you’ve changed. This will validate your efforts nicely. Do not go on the defensive if you’re accused of having changed. Simply say “I haven’t changed at all, I’m just a little more conscious of what’s happening in the world”. You don’t need to add “unlike you”, as your pretentious little answer has already made that clear.
Update your image
Whatever your image was before, rebel against it. If you were casual, get smart. If you were smart, get casual. If your look was slutty, go for classy and vice versa. You need to show at a glance how you no longer conform to the expectations of those who know you. Take up a new sport or exercise class. Show everyone how dynamic and pro-active you are. ‘What, you manage to study, work, do exercise, read The Guardian and STILL find time to save crippled children? You’re amazing’. Of course a humble, self-deprecating answer is a must.
Join a Forum
Preferably one related to political and social issues. This will give you an ideal platform to further polish your pretentiousness and re-invent yourself. Another bonus of this is that you may actually make some like-minded online friends enabling you to dump your old friends who are blind to the important things in life, like global warming and the political situation in Burma.
Get tattoos and/or piercings
Tattoos should be meaningful, insightful quotations – in any language – and should be visible. Piercings should ideally be to enhance sexual acts with all the hot people you will have sex with once you dump your partner.
Tell your boss to fuck off
Unless you need a reference and then just hand your notice in ‘with regret’. Be sure to make it clear that you are striving towards a more ‘stimulating’ working environment.
Dump your partner
Use all possible cliches like”‘it’s not you, it’s me” or “we just don’t seem to have anything in common anymore” or “I need more out of life” if you want them to know you are leaving them for better things.
Become a Slut/Stud
You’ve liberated yourself from the shackles of conformity and institutions, so now it’s time to celebrate your new-found freedom. Be promiscuous. Bonus points for shagging significantly younger people (though above legal age, of course) and members of the same sex. Take part in orgies. Develop a large collection of home-made porn movies.
Once the crisis is over and you settle into your completely new life be sure to remind people where you came from, and what you did to get here and what utter strength of character and balls of steel it took – like I’ve just done.
Categories: sex, Uncategorized
Geordie Lass in Oz 
Right!!! Off to Amazon I go for my first £300 of Self Help books!!! LOL
Brilliant blog – loved and related to alot of it… but more looking forward to
a) getting rid of the Daily Mail for the Guardian
b) sexual liberation!!!
Haha thanks Jelz, I too look forward to you dumping the Mail for the Guardian 😉 and please read my post on Internet dating before you embark on sexual liberation 🙂
Read it! In conjunction with the blog on African men!! PMSL
Don’t worry – got that sussed 😉
This explains everything. I’m in the middle of having an un-successful mid-life crisis. Thank you for pointing out what I’ve been doing wrong. At least I can tick off “read The Guardian, be pretentious and join a forum” by announcing here that I also read The Independent. 🙂
Congratulations, you’re well on the way. Perhaps now it’s time to tell your boss to fuck off or become promiscuous?
I’m way too ugly and poor (“In-between” bosses) to be promiscuous. 😦